It is NOT LIKELY BUT QUITE POSSIBLY gonna suck today

Why does weird shit, annoying shit always seem to happen on Wednesdays?  Is there some sort of law that says it can't be on Mondays, cause they're, you know, MONDAYS??  They suck enough by virtue of placement in the week so no more evil shit that day!  Can't be on Fridays, cause, they're you know, FRIDAYS?!?  Supposed to, by virtue of THEIR placement in the weekly schedule be happy and wonderful lead into the weekend days.  (oh, if only that were true for MY Friday, what, given the SUPOENA to give a deposition to one of the deputy district attorneys of my fair state WITHOUT THE BENEFIT OF LEGAL COUNSEL BY MY SIDE, but oh, lets save THAT for another day, shall we?!?)  So apparently, it's Wednesday SUCK day.

A friend tells me a story of woe and evil ingratitude of the most heinous kind in which a son (underage by 3 frelling weeks, if you're counting) gets picked up for stupid illegal shit.  Not drugs, not felony, just stupid teenage boy/almost man kinds of shit.  He was underage.  Became of age and was (rightfully, IMHO) told by said father, it's my way or the highway, you want to play like a man and be stupid, be a man and get the frell out.  Manchild said, yep, outta here and left.  Now summons gets mailed to dad, with DAD listed as an ACCOMPLICE because the kid was, you know, a KID at the time of the incident.  Hell, I'm fairly certain, dad was at work at the time of said incident. 

Now, seriously, how can THAT even be legal?!?!?!?!  What a clusterfuck that is gonna be!

I get hit with this line in a written report...and from the get go let me announce: this shall become one of my new favorite oxymoron idiocies that I've ever heard or, hopefully, shall ever hear.  In said written report, I trip across the following sentence in response to a question as to whether someone can tolerate getting into trouble for being stupid:

It is NOT LIKELY BUT QUITE POSSIBLE HE MAY DECOMPENSATE as a result of blah blah blah...

What in the HOLYHELLFUCKSHITSTUPIDVERSE of life is that supposed to mean?  I actually announced upon reading said sentence that my brain had turned so violently as a result of it that I think I've actually suffered a rather severe concussion with deep contrecoup injury.  I need workman's comp and a vacation until my surgery.  I'm no longer fit to work.

And on the 7th day...

there wasn't that much damn resting to be had! I hate it...but I love it too, lol.


MBH and I may have gone a WWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE bit loopy at the new PC Richards store that just opened up at the Moorestown Mall.  We were going in there to buy him a computer (so HE thought! mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!).  While he was putting his folks' new computer together, I told him to check it out and if he liked it, we should buy it - given that his folks got it for

$350!!!!!!!

That's including a nifty copier/scanner/printer dujib.  So, while he was checking it out, I was checking out the circular.  And what did I spy with my wittle eye...a brand spanking new flat screen LCD HDTV for a goddamn STEAL!  While he's waiting for the new computer to do its thing, I show him how all our dreams can be had for the piffling price of $880.  He thinks I've lost my damn mind, lol.

Who knows, I may have!  Weeks from now, you can all say, yep, that's where it started, that damn PC Richards advert, lol!

He thinks for a minute and agrees it is just the bestest price.  So, we go home and decide to hit the store the next morning.

One 46" HDTV,
One new surround home theatre system with wiggy new upgraded DVD player,
One brand spanking new remote guaranteed to, by GOD, run every fucking thing we OWN,
and 47 other cables later, we walk out.

Forget the computer we went in for and go BACK and get that too...

(I jest.  We went back twice, lol!  Ok I jest some more but come on, that'd be REALLY funny if I HAD been telling the truth!)

Now, we're home with a bunch of toys. 

BIG FUCKING WOOPTIDO!

This just means one thing...spending another frelling fortune to set the whole thing up, both up and down.  See, now we've got a wonderful TV, DVD, TiVo downstairs with no home...UPSTAIRS!

Yep, so now we've got to get something to put it on as it can't fit on the damn floor!  This means going to one of my new favorite places, the Williamstown Amish Market and buying an unstained undecorated TV/stereo cabinet with a glass door.

THIS means now going to Lowe's and buying stain/varnish to finish it off.

Oddly, this was the easiest part! lol  Who knew staining and varnishing could be easy?!?

While waiting for that to dry, my beloved honey and I come to one very clear conclusion - if aliens dropped down with their pulse pistols pointed directly at our heads announcing we were going to be the next in line for Nebari mind-cleansing, we STILL couldn't make this 79 goddamn cables fit into 13 different slots and make this new system work! 

FUCK!

It does mean however that IF we can get the old system upstairs, there's half a chance we can figure out how it went together in the first place so we have some sort of TV again.

(I mean seriously, the Race is starting tonight dammit!  I NEED my TV!)

In between cooking up 4 different batches of the best yumminess EVER  (ham and bean soup, lentil soup, beef and barley soup, and chili if you want to be killed with jealousy), we get the TV back up and running JUST in time to see Bret save the Viks day with, no shit, 8 seconds left on the clock, and to see the Lions WIN!

No, you read that right, they WON BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just like MBH said - you can't lose'em all the time, lol

So, now we're billions in debt, exhausted, hurting in more joints than I thought I had, only to be watching the exact same TV we were last week...

it is upstairs though, so I can watch from what will undoubtedly be my death bed!

Wednesday wonderings...

So, those who know me know that stupidity is almost second nature to me. So...this bit of stupidity occurs to me and I blame it on occupational hazard:

Man A marries woman.

Woman is no longer there and they have not divorced.

Man A usually then inherits a title that tells the world that he WAS married but is not any longer. This title usually carries with it a certain emotional quality. One commonly feels empathy, sorrow, sympathy, and any number of other nice human emotions that tell us we are all tied into the global human condition.

BUT...(knew this had to be coming didn't you?!?)...given where I work and what I do, this just can't be simple can it.

Dr.M talks to Man A. Now needs to list his marital status. He was married. His wife is no longer in the picture. (wait for it, wait for it). They are not divorced. They are not separated. (WAIT FOR IT!) She has passed on.

Passed on because he is now serving some indeterminate period for having helped her to this new status condition his very own self.

Folks, I'm wondering...am I going to go to Hell for any certain period of time because I'm baffled as to what to list his marital status as????????

Widower...not even...nope, not even the tiniest SPECK of sympathy here, lol

Single?? easy cop out there, can't go with it.

Widower, self-inflicted?????????

Yep, I'll just pick out my spot NOW so I can get a good view from the Volcano mountains of the surfers on the Lake of Fire. I'm sooooo going to Hell.

I think I'm gonna need a bigger boat...

Ok, Ok, Ok...my beloved honey's best friend says...HEY! Your girl makes jam, right?

yep, I do.

Do you think she'd like some pears? I know you don't like'em, but would she like some? My boyfriend's mother has a pear tree and she's got extras.

sure...I'd LOVE some fresh home grown pears. Who DOESN'T like pears...honey??????? He's obviously a freak, but I'll love him and I'll keep him even IF he doesn't like pears. Tell Ann I'd love some pears.

Asian pears.

Even better! I love Asian pears like mad but they're too expensive and too underripe in the stores for my taste so this'll be fantastic!!!!

It's a lot of pears.

No worries. I can make jam from a lot of pears. Besides, how many can "a lot" be?????? It's only ONE tree!?! It cant' be THAT many, right?

From this exchange, MBH and I drive up to Trentonish areas so we can go to Joe's Crab Shack and meet up with Ann and Pete. I've never gotten a chance to meet Ann yet...in person...we've talked on the phone, online, hell I've even stayed over at her place when she wasn't there.

(Oh shit...um...Mom...if you're reading this...um...MBH totally wasn't even there. He was at his folks place. We were totally not shacking up at some strange location. Um...I was just goggie sitting for Jake. Um...YEAH! That's it! I was watching Jake while Ann was...um...in Atlanta...for...something...RRRRREEEEEAAAAAAALLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYY important.)

And Ann has even been to my place while I wasn't here. We've done everything except actually, you know, meet. So, we're off to Joe's! Yep, Joe's...to crack crab. I love crab. I love any food you are absofuckinglutely expected to play with and make a BIGGGGGGGG enough mess that bibs are mandatory. If you're one of my 3 rapid stalker followers (LOL) you'll know from my last post that I'm wounded. Just a little injury. Minor even.

EXCEPT IT'S A SIDELINING INJURY IN THE WORLD OF CRAB CRACKING!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, that (probably shoulda been sutured) little cut on my thumb that is still occasionally bleeding (now a week later) is more than enough to keep me from being able to crack crab.

FUCK.

Oh well.

Drink

Meet Ann

Get pears.

Remember when she said it was "a lot" and I thought, what, a couple of dozen, maybe, tops?



THAT'S A FUCKING JUMBO FAMILY-SIZE LAUNDRY BASKET FULL OF PEARS PEOPLE!!!!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Totally a manjob carrying that thing! lol

But, thanks to the Bible of jam books...I was able to turn that into this: 6 half pint jars of pear jam with vanilla, 6 of plain pear jam, and way in the back, 3 quarts of pear sauce (think applesauce but with pears).

Quite an equitable exchange, I should think!

Now...to get some back to her and her honey's mom before I eat it all! lololol

A Tale of Caution, a Tale of Woe

Well, it's that time... See, when the kraut is done, it's time for SANTA KRAUT to make her appointed deliveries, lol. One jar to my sis and her husband, one to my folks. HMMMMMM, there appears to be 4 jars in that there photo...and only TWO got given away. I think that might indicate a sum overage in my favor! lol It's good to be the queen, I tell ya! lol

It also means it's that time again...

TIME TO MAKE THE KRAUT! lol

My honey just LOVES this part, lol! I told him I was gonna make it up. If I get some made now, it'll ferment and be ready for jarring right before my surgery (10-7-09 if anyone's counting). THAT means I'll be able to put the NEXT batch into the crock so it'll be fermenting while I'm recuperating. See, to me, that sounds like planning most extraordinary! Planning my mother would approve of and say "good girl, you were listening when I taught you all those lessons on planning" lol, or something like that.

What did my honey think of this planning???

"Um, how much of this stuff are you planning on making?"

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

My response, you ask?? I'm planning on making a LOT! lol I figure I'm now in the business of making sauerkraut forever! When I brought the jar to my sis and her hubby, I told him that Santa Kraut was coming over to make a delivery. They both go gaga over the jar and he says he can't wait to try it. He almost feels like he could just open it and stick a fork in it. No, really, go ahead! lol They do, they LOVE it. (OR they are just playing it really cool and it's being fed to Toby the wondermutt as we speak! lol Nah, they wouldn't risk THAT much gaseous emission I should think! I wonder what the compost value is in sauerkraut?! lol) Nah, I josh. I know they liked it. In fact, my very healthy sis went out of the way to tell me how much organic folks will pay for entirely homemade, no additive added, raw sauerkraut. (Seriously, up to $10 a quart jar????? I made have to rethink this doctor crap, lol)

So, now I've got kraut gone and that means it's time to make the donuts...er...you know what I mean.

So, MBH and I get to work.

Or rather, I get to work. His job comes later...sort of.

Remember this was a tale of caution...woe...um, yeah.

THIS is a mandoline... Or, rather, this is a mandoline AFTER it's been used and is filthy with cabbage. You see that blade though? And that plastic safety tube? The one with the plastic safety feeder thingy in it? You're supposed to put the food into the tube and force it down toward the blade thereby keeping your fingers away from the blade.

Hmmm, keeping one's fingers away from the blade? lol Now, why would THAT be important? Oh, could it be...

Oh, God, the wailing, the gnashing of teeth. Who am I kidding, oh fuck the blood! lol I don't think that shot gives a really good accounting for the depth of the wound, the big ole CHUNK of flesh that is now only barely attached to my finger. I'm pretty sure it belongs there. I put it back. I came into the world with it and dammit I'm going out with it too! lol

Do I scream? No.

Do I yell? No.

I do however grab my hand and get it away from the food - FAST and go running upstairs where the bandaids are. Holding it tight and thinking the whole time, boy, THIS is gonna hurt when it occurs to my brain that I've cut almost the entire top corner of my thumb off, lol. Honey realizes movement is occurring and comes running. You ok? You good? What'd you do? Do you need a doctor?

THEN he sees it...Oh shit! You're gonna need stitches. You're dying. You're gonna bleed to death. Blood everywhere. It's spattering. You're gonna die here.

Ok, I might be overstating his response...but just a bit, lol!

I get it to stop bleeding, (sort of) and the krauting continues. But you know what...he won't let me near the mandoline now! lololololol Do you know what my honey insisted on?????

That's right boys and girls...check out THIS action shot! lol



And you know what else???????????????? It took him all of about 5 minutes to utter those famous words...Jesus this pushy down thingy is a pain in the ass! The food keeps getting stuck.

To which I smiled and just showed him my (barely) bleeding thumb. I've played with this one before. I KNOW it's a pain in the ass.

That left me with the only other job available if you're not the one cutting onions and cabbage...



LOL! Look at that boys and girls...real (almost) action lines showing I'm working like mad! lol

He still thinks making sauerkraut is silly...but he also admits it is DAMN worth the finished product! lolol

We also decided something else, very important...if Santa Kraut is going to be keeping the rest of the family in kraut in perpetuity...they're gonna need to get the hell over here and contribute to the labor!!!!!!!

Wanderings of a Semi-Lucid Mind

POGO!!!!!!!!!

Oh, how I want to hate you for this!  See...now they're having their 10 year anniversary so that means all their bonus download games are on sale for $10.  (And...btw, by the time you read this, that'll be done.  One shot day only.  Don't worry, they'll have another one soon, probably something for the Labor Day weekend anyway.)  So, I tripped across a new game...World Mosaic 2 .  (For the sake of clarity, I'm going to make that go to a site where I'm sure you'll see it. At this hour, I don't know if you'll see it on the Club Pogo download area if you're not a Club pogo member.  It's late, I'm fried, so fuck off! lol)

TIME SUCK!!!!!!!

Fuck.

Look at the posting time here folks, I've been sucked in like a cheap hooker being promised crack and a bath.  I've been at this damn thing for 2 hours now.  I could go 2 more.  I'm not proud...or tired...(thank you Arlo Guthrie...you know you wanna...enjoy!).



You should all go to whatever site you like and get this game.  Or at least play the free download they probably all offer.  If YOU can keep from buying you, screw you for your self-control.  If you can't, welcome to my world.

Think I can be sweet, pleasant, and therapeutic on 5 hours sleep?

Nah, me neither.

This is what I get for pretending to have a degree!

Shut up UNIVERSE!

I really thought I had this one right...and quite honestly, I'm still not sure I didn't have it right, for the most part! lol Let's begin with the beginning,eh, and jump in the way back machine, circa...2 weeks ago. You remember then? I started this here madness of throwing thoughts into the ether?! You remember, I know you do. I do. I was SICK. Not just sick, I was SSSSSSSIIIIIIICCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK.

(and tired. And tired always followed sick. Worst beating of my life came when my mother said "I'm just sick" and I said "and tired." I don't remember anything after that. BEST Cosby bit EVER!)

I try to live my life squarely pretending that I am both a real doctor, and just a fake one. I try. I do.

Remember I was SIIICCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK...I felt like deep fried horse shit. BUT...no fever, no pain, no coughing up crap or blowing my nose all over the place, no nausea, no running from either end. Just crap. That, to me, is your garden variety cold. You don't go running to another doctor (if I'm going to BE one, I have to DECIDE like one, lol) for your garden variety virus. Shit'll get better in 14 days with treatment, 2 weeks without it.

Shit got better.

Cough didn't but the rest did.

Round about 2 days ago, it occurs to me, I feel like there are bubbles in my right ear. Again, no fever, no pain in or around the ear when I tug on it. Still...virus crap.

Cough is now waking me up every 3.5 hours when the OTC shit I'm taking like clockwork wears off. Cough is now so bad I've driven my beloved honey to the GUEST ROOM. (and NO, it was not JUST because he didn't want to catch the creeping crud, smartasses!) It's bad at night, mostly just at night.

That sounds like post nasal drip to me. No harm, no foul (sort of). I'm still not worried. I've STILL got no fever, no aches, no pain, no nausea, no emissions from any oriface. I'm still not terribly worried.

Today...I can barely speak my throat is so frogged out from the cough. The cough is HARD and hurts. My chest feels TIGHT!

I remember my cuz...and his mantra...all that wheezes is not asthma, all asthma does not wheeze.

I know this feeling. This feels like bronchitis with a mix of allergen induced asthma. Used to get this shit BOATLOADS when I smoked. (granted...I WAS at 2.5 packs a day but you know, when you're GOOD at something...BE GOOD AT IT DAMMIT!) Now I'm more than concerned enough to call the nurse prac. Somehow manage to get an appt the same day.

Today.

I go in and tell her.

She looks in one ear - LOTS of fluid in this one
She looks in the other ear - Well, that's an infection, no doubt
She touches my throat - you're swollen to hell you know
She looks in my throat - you've got green drip. You're a mess you know.

I did manage to sputter out...but...but...pain??? I've got no pain? I thought ear infection equaled pain??? Her reply? "You've got a high tolerance to pain"

Heinous fuckery most foul dammit!

SHUT UP UNIVERSE!

yea...my beloved honey refrained from the I told you so's. He even picked up the antibiotic and the codeine cough syrup (passed in excellence in my experience only by my friend...Hycodan...BEST SHIT EVER!) with nary a word.

I think I may have heard neener neener neener on his way out but what the hell do I know...my ears have drowned.

Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful...

Hate me cause you're jealous!  Haters!  Bitches!  And you KNOW who you are!!!!!!!!! lololol

Ah, I'm killing myself here!

Wanna know WHY?

Let your eyes flow over this shit my little cherubs!

Can any of the boys and girls guess what this is?



This is a crock boys and girls. Can you say CROCK? Can you say CROCK OF KRAUT? This is the food of the gods, the manna and ambrosia spoken of by the most ancient of Greeks. Ok, maybe not by them, but at least by all the good little German folk.

This is my magic crock with the lid off...see the weights holding the yummy goodness down below the fermenting liquid???



They are saving all the yumminess and keeping it safe. What's that? You wanna see what the yumminess looks like UNDER the weights? Oh, wow, boys and girls, your Krazee aunt doesn't know if she's got a picture of that...let me check...

nope, porn,

more porn,

oh look, chickens...

more porn...

pirate booty?

ah, found it...it was behind the shot of my honey in his brand new polka dot stockings.



BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, you wanted to see the KRAUT?! lolol My bad. I must have most grievously misunderstood. Let me find THAT shot...



And for all you kraut lovers...I used this wonderful woman's recipe.  I made one minor adjustment.  I was afraid of the amount of onions she looked like she was going to use so I used one onion  and one tablespoon each of kosher salt and caraway seeds per head of cabbages.  Using the wonderful crock I bought, I didn't have to worry about skimming the top of mold or throwing away the top 1-2 inches of kraut.  It was ALL YUMMY GOODNESS!

And, just as an aside...what did we have WITH that homemade kraut you might ask. Well, I'll TELL YA!



We had the ULTIMATE Michigan dinner:  Kowalski's kielbasa and some of that wonderful elixir that no one outside of our little cold corner of the globe has ever heard of.  POSERS!

And what was for dessert, you ask?  



Yeah, yeah, I know, mutant brownie snakes, you had those YESTERDAY!

Y'all are just jealous bitches, the lot of ya!

Hey honey...where'd that corner go? Darnit! That was the best part! He ate MY brownie! MOTHER! He ate it and didn't share!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ahem...shut up.

And now for something completely different...

I've been nice you know.  Quiet, demure even.  That's just not me, gotta tell ya.  I try to be sweet.  I try to be polite.  I try to listen to the generalized ravings of the world and respond with clarity and patience, cause you know, I should.

Well, seriously...

FUCK THAT!

Now is the time for me to SHINE at what I do best...tell the world exactly how it's managed to frost my ass this frelling time!

Please, you should strap in - it's gonna be a bumpy ride!

I'm getting dressed for work.  I do that sometimes.  I find that if I DON'T do that, what with the whole working in a medium security male prison thing, it makes for a somewhat more interesting day than I might have alternately planned for.  So...I'm dressed.  Downstairs.  Making coffee.  I do that too.  Because...ditto...see above!  Making coffee, drinking coffee, spilling coffee...

ALL DOWN THE FRONT OF MY FUCKING SHIRT!!!!!

Dammit it seven layers from Sunday, I'm late to begin with.  Let me just dab off the excess and I'm out the door.  You know what happens when you take THAT approach to messiness?  It don't get cleaned, that's what! lol  I'm starting my drive in and what do I notice?  I smell like a fucking coffee beanery.  I don't even LIKE coffee that much.  I like my one cup in the morning, for the drive, and then one little styrofoam cup at work.  That's it.  Now I smell like I've bathed in L'eau du Juan Valdez.  Shit.  Shit.  Shit.

Still driving...I've left late, hence the reason I'm wearing Juan's cast offs, but just how late am I?

FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK!

I have no watch on.

Frell me dead.  I can't do my day with no watch.  How in the blazing holy hell of life am I supposed to know when to throw out the monkeyfucktard wizards sucking the milk of ever loving human kindness straight from the bite marks in my neck if I can't tell how long they've been in the office.  Dammit all.  I'm screwed.

Get to work, talking, listening, caring, curing, you know, I'm going the whole 9 here...manage to catch a break, open up email and what to my wandering eye should appear...but my notice that my certification is about to expire next year and I MIGHT wanna think about renewing it.

What is certification you ask?

It's that most noble of entities.  That bastion of education that certifies that I know more than a little about my chosen field of experience.  That sweet little piece of paper that cost me $300,000 in school loans, then another $2000 or so for the first initial cert, and now is gonna cost me another $1800 to renew.

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I'm sorry...you tell me I have to take a test to prove I'm smart enough to not kill people, you tell me you're the only one who can adequately determine if I'm smart enough not to kill people, you tell me I've got to pay you $1800 so you can give me said test and then score it?!

Are the pages of this test made of pure dilithium crystals? Titanium, perhaps? Gold? God's short and curlies????

Is the scoring system based on a template carved directly into marble or granite?

Is it being hand scored by Madonna or Lindsay Lohan  (both of whom may or may not be available at this moment?)

FUCKERY MOST FOUL that's what this is!

MOST HEINOUS FUCKERY indeed!

All I gotta say is I better pass this fucking thing first time out...I'm totally NOT paying the $1200 for the RETAKE exam fee too!

Jams - the Good, the Bad, and the Thrown Away!!!!

Well, here's the story that I promised for yesterday! lol  It really might not be all that worth waiting for...you don't get to taste it after all!

BUT YOU COULD!!!!  Really, it wasn't that hard.  I made some Banana Jam and I cannot recommend it highly enough.  But...beware (insert scarwwwy music here)...it's not for the faint of heart!

Ok, maybe it is.

First, you must get yourself a jam bible.  I recommend



It is cool, concise, and listed in alphabetical order by fruit.

So, let us begin at the beginning, eh?!  First...get book!  Next...go to B for nanners!  Then...realize you have nothing to make said nanner jam with...so GO SHOPPING!

Ok, maybe not everyone gets excited about shopping, especially shopping for fakeAmish stuff like canning equipment, but hey...I get no kick from champagne...alcohol doesn't thrill me at all, but I get a kick out of SHOPPING! lol  (I warned you in the side bar...I really am a bit of a nerd.)  For making this jam, you'll need nanners and assorted food type stuff.  A big bowl to mix stuff in.  A big pot, like you'd make spaghetti sauce in (or at least the size I'D  make spaghetti sauce in, lol).  You'll need some half-pint jars with 2 piece lids.  And a chilled plate (trust me on the illedchay ateplay).  You'll really only need the canning equipment if you're planning on keeping the stuff for a while.  You can certainly make a batch, put it in the jars, and frig it.  From the recipe, you'll get about 6 half-pints.  You'll want to give some away as I don't think anyone likes nanna jam enough to eat 3 pints of it in a month...unless you're a park ape!

(For the purposes of political correctedness...there's nothing WRONG with being a park ape and no slander, libel, illwill, antipathy, animosity, or general emotional stifling was meant or implied in the above comment. The writer of this here blog will be shortly sacked. Thank you - The Management)

(There are also banana jam recipes online so you could go there too...but I like having the book.  Books make me happy!)

Now look :



See that???  That's what you get when you combine the skills of a doctor, a card shark, and a chief cook/bottle washer ...bet you didn't even realize you needed 3 different people to make jam, didja?  That friends, is about 7 or 8 medium sized bananas with some sugar and some raisins, and some lime juice and zest, covered and resting overnight on the counter.

Or, in MY case, resting in a partially open oven so my nitwit cats (Flourish and Blotts) don't decide to paint the house banana yellow while I'm safe in the arms of slumber.  (Don't trust them slinky cats...they'll get'cha everytime dagnabbit!)

So...now on to the cooking...




This is what happens after a good amount of time and a fair amount of nanna mashing. I wanted sorta smooth jam like stuff so I mashed the crap out of it. You know, just a hint to the masses here...it's rather hard to mash raisins so be prepared you're gonna have SOME nuggets in there!

How can you tell it's done you ask? This is where the chilled plate comes into play. I put a saucer in the freezer when I started so the plate would be good and cold. Put a bit of jam on the plate (while it's cooking) and put it in the freezer for a minute. When you pull it out, it should be thick and mounded on the plate, not running all over. I also dragged a finger thru it and the jam leaves that clean streak in the middle. It won't fill that space back in. This shows it's gelled right.

Now from here you get to pour into fresh clean jars...



This is after jarring and cooking in the hot water bath to preserve them. You don't have to do that though, like I said.

Then YOU EAT! We had it on vanilla ice cream. Nothing better I tell you...unless it's that same said vanilla ice cream with blueberry jam on it, even if the blueberry jam is a weeeeeee bit stiff, lol.

Hmmm? What was that? Something about bad, thrown away jam? Well shit, you would have to remind me of that, wouldn't you. Just rub my nose in it while you're at it why dontcha? Bitches, all of you.

Ok, you wanna make me feel bad! FINE!



THAT is what you get when the aforementioned doctor, card shark, and chief cook and bottle washing mother get together to cut up the most perfect of sugar baby watermelons fresh and direct from a wonderful local farm market that's been here longer than I have (Carmen's if anyone would like to know...on Rt 322 fairly close to the Hamilton Mall here in south Jersey). It turns bad and gets thrown away when someone (ahem...coughdoctorbubbleheadcough) decides to try to speed the process along and BOIL said lusciousness to thicken the syrup instead of gently simmering for HOURS like the bible said to do.

Yeah, fuck you all...YOU'D have tried to speed up the process too! Hours man, HOURS, just simmering away looking all shiny and liquidy and not getting thick and all jammy preserve like.

So...my plans for this weekend you ask...it may include going BACK to Carmen's to check if they've got any more sugar babies, dammit! I'll get back to y'all on that one.

A great way to spend a Friday Night!

My goodness, who amongst my many many readers (BAH! I'm killing myself here!) doesn't know Little Big Town? Shame on you! Stop reading now, go to iTunes and start downloading, I'll wait.

NO REALLY I'll wait.

Ok...everybody back?

GOOD! Now turn it on in the background so you'll really get the most from this.

My mom, my beloved honey, his dad, and I all went to see LBT at the House of Blues in AC yesterday. It was such a blast! We met up with my BH's folks at Showboat and had a bite to eat at the HOB restaurant. This is the second (or is it third?) time I've been there. Still haven't had something I disliked. I had a VERRA nice medium rare burger with gobs of bacon on it. Mom went with the Cajun chicken pot pie which she loved. BH and his mom went with the catfish po'boy which they both seemed to really enjoy and his dad went with the jambalaya which he really liked...except for that first bite. He decided to bite into the jalapeno that came with the dish. I'm guessing he's not a fan of the real HOT hot. I don't think he was quite prepared for it to be that hot! lol I think he drowned it out with the rest of the dish and a big ole glass of soda. At least I hope he drowned it out with that! I hope he didn't pay for that later!

Right after dinner, we all split up and his folks headed to another casino (I think) to check it out, BH went walking on the Boardwalk in one direction and Mom and I headed in another. STOP it! He's allowed to go off and look at derelict construction sites if he likes! lol Me and mom, we headed to Steel Pier. I was THIS close to getting her to get a waterproof tattoo! lolol Get a little fairy for her, get me a little pirate head or something (you know International Talk Like a Pirate Day is approaching! Total personal threadjack here...but you DO know about ITLAPD,right? It's Sept. 19th. Get cracking! And I fully expect it to be celebrated in the Azores this year!!!!!!!). They would have worn off in about a week or so. She could have walked into work Tuesday and shown off her new tat...yelling at the rest of the loser bitches who don't have cool art like hers...all while pretending it wasn't going to wash off in the shower and be like the total adult version of the Cracker Jack tattoo prize! LOLOL But, we were running out of time and didn't think we'd get back for the meet up with everyone else! It might be something I talk her into later though! STAY TUNED!

Mom and I also got to check out the Rocket. Rocket hell, it should just be called the Vomit Comet and be done with it! It looks so cool but I really think I'd have to be falling down drunk and high as a kite to even CONSIDER IT! (And frankly even the THOUGHT of getting onto the thing under any influence of ill advised substances makes me nauseous. Without the benefit of ever having been high, I quite frankly cannot even imagine being such under THESE conditions!) For the brave...it's a big ball of metal with 2 seats in it. That's it! Then for the spankin' prices of $20 for one person or $55 for 2 (and coming with commemorative shirts for the riders and a SPESHIUL video capturing your vomiting all over God and Creation, how can you even think there's a better way to spend that paltry amount of money!), you get buckled into the thing while it kicks up up into the air on what seriously appears to be a giant bungee cord/rubber band thingie!

In fact, go HERE . The first picture...the two red lines... That's the guide posts for the Rocket! Then a shot of the cage and then one of the Rocket going up. But that really doesn't do it justice folks. The cage shoots UP AND OVER the top of the guide post things but at least a story...maybe TWO!

And again, in fact go HERE . That's a video of it! These folks are klearly krazee...but I'll admit it...it does look like heap shit fun, if you can keep the vomit off your new shirt that is!

After Mom and I got done investigating that, we headed back and caught up with BH and his dad. His mom didn't want to see the show, so she played while we were in there. We go into the area and find our way up to the seats...3 flights of stairs at a good incline. Remember me...sick...couldn't make it into work for two days leading up to this (stop it, only coma, death or paralysis was keeping me from this concert!). I wanted to stop 3 or 4 times along the way to catch my breath. You'd have thought I was dying! (I was, but let's not get caught up in the little things, shall we?!) We get to the top and the lady hears me sucking wind like a marathoner and she gets all annoyed. Apparently there's an elevator and she can't believe the crew downstairs aren't pointing that out.

um...no...they didn't. Oh well!

So Mom points out that we've got two sets of tickets - one for her and I and one for BH and his dad and that they're not together. So...the crew figures the show isn't sold out anyway...so they put us together...in a reserved section! lololol It was soooooo cool! We were about 2 rows back from where BH was gonna be sitting and about 4 back from where mom and I would have been. BUT! We got to sit together on a big old overstuffed leather couch with cute little tables and everything! It was really fun!

The opener (Jonathan Singleton and the Groove), I thought, was really fantastic! I love his raspy, not quite trained and rough around the edges voice. BH and his dad were not quite as impressed, lol but as my pop says, that's why they make vanilla and chocolate! They played for about 30-40 minutes or so. I really liked the songs, especially one called Living in Paradise and one called Why Don't We Just Dance that Josh Turner will be releasing Monday. Their version (it's their song) is killer good and quite rocky but they said Josh's is a wee bit slower and obviously deeper (LOL) so I can't wait to hear it. (I'm a huge JT fan anyway!).

LBT came out at 10pm and played for about and hour and a half. It was just great. They're harmonies are just so fantastic! There's no one out there like them. I think it is completely criminal the show wasn't sold out - but then again, we might not have gotten the cool couch seats so I guess that's ok. A great mix of both their albums and then a new song and a couple of Fleetwood Mac songs which are always good to hear - especially if they're going to be covered that well! I've always thought the harmony of LBT reminded me of Mac anyway so it works for me!

But you should all know that anyway, right?

Because you're all listening to them from your iTunes downloads...right?! lol

And stay tuned kiddies! Tomorrow...Banana Jam (hopefully with pictures if I can figure that part out!)

Well, I'm still here...

I haven't died, no matter how much I may have wanted to. I may still be dying though. I'm not sure. My honey is being a trooper about it. He asks if there's anything he can get me. He asks if I'm ok. He asks if I've taken anything. He asks if I'm going to go to the doctor.

It's these last two we are having issues with. See...I'm not a fan of cold medicine. I rarely find it helpful. The decongestants rarely decongest and the sleep aides rarely aid. I'm rather a fan of the old mantra that your cold will be better in 14 days if you take the medications, drink orange juice, and eat chicken soup. Your cold will also be better in 2 weeks if you don't do a damn thing either. He finds this information less than comforting. I find it to be reality - a very pricy reality bestowed on me thru the benefit of several hundreds of thousands of dollars, 4 years of general medical training and another 4 years of specialized training. (Ok. that training was in psychiatry but I really am a real doctor, dammit!)

I back these bits of information up with the sad sad truth that is...no doctor can help me. Not me, not my superdoc cuz (who has hightailed it to paradise apparently) and not my doctor. I just have to suck it up, put my biggirl panties on and get thru it. I know a virus when it jumps up and tries to kill me. I'm not sick enough for this to be bacterial and until it hits bacterial land, there's nothing anyone can do to speed up my sickly little immune system. My honey did not want to hear this. I think he was quite put out that I was sick and he couldn't offer any suggestions to fix it. He likes to fix it. I like him to fix it. He just can't fix this...

well, actually he can...in about 2 weeks!

Until then, I plan on trying not to whine, too much. I'm trying to bone up on the rest and the fluids - and not even the fun fluids either! And I plan on taking my sick ass back to work on Monday. I think it's been long enough to say I tried to keep from infecting the rest of the world. I took two days off. That's enough!

At least it better be.

A New Day

So...how can I possibly be so ill that I am unable to actually go to work, but am so healthy as to begin a blog? Well hell, that's easy. There's sick and then there's SICK! I can't say that I've ever been soooooo sick that I was too sick to bitch. That would be a mighty strong layer of sick. I'm not at it, yet.

See, I hate being late. It's a thing for me. I remember in college being told "to be five minutes early is to be on time, to be on time is to be late, to be late is totally unacceptable." I took that little pledge mantra to heart. I made it part of me FOREVER, lol. So, here's me rolling over and looking at my clock this morning, from under a haze of dying and no glasses wearing blindness to find it read what looked an awful lot like 5:48am. Now, I know, that CAN'T be possible. At 5:48, I'm in my car heading off for points unknown in south Jersey. I'm driving, yelling at idiot drivers who are too slow to be in front of me and too stupid to know that they were supposed to have gotten the hell out of my way. At 5:48, I'm not just waking up. Crap.

I just up, thinking, if I don't shower, if I just brush my teeth and throw on clothes, no one will notice. Sure, doc, no one will notice you're a skanky no showering dirty mess. Yeah. Then I hit the bathroom, thinking I would jump in the shower and just go into work one hour late, and the room began to spin when I sat down. That's when my demons started in on me.

You know those demons - they look an awful lot like twisted Dwarves. First there's Sleepy, then there's Grumpy, then there's Lazy (he was in the story! He just couldn't be bothered to be in the movie!) and they're all standing on your shoulders whispering into your ear.

Go back to bed, go back to bed, go back to bed.

Yeah, they won. I woke up in time to call out.

And, just as an aside, does anyone else see the ironic stupidity of having to wake up to call out. Can't I just call out the night before. I'm sick. I knew I was sick when I went to bed. You made me wake up to tell you I'm sick?!? Bad form, that's just bad form.

But, I'm awake now. I still feel like shit mind you, but I'm awake. I thought I'd tap a little on here and just send my thoughts into the nothing that is the interwebz. Now, I'm going to try to force myself to eat and then flop down in front the idiot box and feel my IQ drop a few points thru the wonder that is modern daytime TV.